Dear Jack Nietschze Jr.,
How in the fuck did you find work after "Chained Heat"?
Love,
Everyone who has seen "Chained Heat"
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Why "Night Gallery" Is My New Favorite Show
It's so awesome they don't even play it on regular television anymore. I first realized Rod Serling had another show when my parents ordered the Starz movie pack when we still had a Charter cable box. I had loved the Twilight Zone since I had discovered it in my childhood.
So, get this, it's similar only it's an hour long and IN FUCKING COLOR HOLY SHIT. It's totally okay that Serling was more aged in this series.
I'm on Season 2 right now and have seen such stars as:
David "Autoerotic Asphyxiation" Carradine,
Agnes "Annoying Bitch Aunt From Bewitched" Moorehead,
GODFREY "WATERMELON MAN" CAMBRIDGE,
Tom "Mr. Cunningham" Bosley,
and that grandfather from The Munsters (who cares?).
Each episode has more than one story; usually two, four at most. It's all we loved of The Twilight Zone in, I think I should even go so far as to say, an upgrade!
What brought this on was hearing a Serling quip, "For those of you who've never met me, you might call me the 'undernourished Alfred Hitchcock'". I liked this because, WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS COME FROM? IN THE CONTEXT OF THE SHOW IT DIDN'T BELONG BUT HE STILL LOOKED SO BALLER SAYING IT.
I started smoking because of Rod Serling and I quit and so did he when he started doing the Night Gallery. We are pretty much the same guy.
When I was watching it with my boyfriend I hadn't seen him for the first half of the episode and I got scared and was like "WHAT'S GOING ON WHERE'S ROD?" and then finally he made an appearance and I said, "Oh good" and my boyfriend said "thank God I thought he was dead" and we looked at each other and laughed hysterically and that is the best story you have ever read.
All episodes are on Hulu go go go.
P.S. TOM BOSLEY IS STILL ALIVE?!
So, get this, it's similar only it's an hour long and IN FUCKING COLOR HOLY SHIT. It's totally okay that Serling was more aged in this series.
I'm on Season 2 right now and have seen such stars as:
David "Autoerotic Asphyxiation" Carradine,
Agnes "Annoying Bitch Aunt From Bewitched" Moorehead,
Tom "Mr. Cunningham" Bosley,
and that grandfather from The Munsters (who cares?).
Each episode has more than one story; usually two, four at most. It's all we loved of The Twilight Zone in, I think I should even go so far as to say, an upgrade!
What brought this on was hearing a Serling quip, "For those of you who've never met me, you might call me the 'undernourished Alfred Hitchcock'". I liked this because, WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS COME FROM? IN THE CONTEXT OF THE SHOW IT DIDN'T BELONG BUT HE STILL LOOKED SO BALLER SAYING IT.
I started smoking because of Rod Serling and I quit and so did he when he started doing the Night Gallery. We are pretty much the same guy.
When I was watching it with my boyfriend I hadn't seen him for the first half of the episode and I got scared and was like "WHAT'S GOING ON WHERE'S ROD?" and then finally he made an appearance and I said, "Oh good" and my boyfriend said "thank God I thought he was dead" and we looked at each other and laughed hysterically and that is the best story you have ever read.
All episodes are on Hulu go go go.
P.S. TOM BOSLEY IS STILL ALIVE?!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Signs You Are Going Insane...
Something the other day told me I was going absolutely batshit insane. It all started when I decided to take Organic Chemistry (otherwise known as the bitch class from Hell). My mother walked into my bedroom the other day and had a caniption because she found me in a fit of insanity, scrawling the periodic table of elements in pink sharpie on my bedroom wall. There is really no rhyme or reason, but I just wanted it there, I wanted it detailed, and I wanted it HUGE. If you want more proof, I don't even like Chemistry.
I pretend I like Chemistry because I want to make myself like it. I want to be a nerd because I think I'm more interesting that way. I'm not dedicated enough to be a nerd. I couldn't even remember the equations for linear velocity or Newton's Laws. Silly me.
Regardless, I am continuing the detailed periodic table. Beside it will be every equation and every constant I can think of. I am already painting anatomical body parts on my walls. By the time I leave this place, my walls will be a textbook.
I pretend I like Chemistry because I want to make myself like it. I want to be a nerd because I think I'm more interesting that way. I'm not dedicated enough to be a nerd. I couldn't even remember the equations for linear velocity or Newton's Laws. Silly me.
Regardless, I am continuing the detailed periodic table. Beside it will be every equation and every constant I can think of. I am already painting anatomical body parts on my walls. By the time I leave this place, my walls will be a textbook.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Why "The Hangover" wasn't better than any Pauly Shore film
It had a plot.
Also, shut up about mourning Michael Jackson. You all said he was an awful child molester like two years ago.
Also, shut up about mourning Michael Jackson. You all said he was an awful child molester like two years ago.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
How to Attract Long Term Relationships
Are you trying to engage in a relationship that's built to last? Are you tired of being used for sexual gratification because you are just "more than sex"? Are you looking for answers? Look no further because you've come to the right place.
I believe the best way to go about this is making a list of Dos and also a list of Don'ts.
Do:
-Act completely uninterested. This will begin a game of "hard to get," which is perfect for getting the attention you whore for. The other's confidence will be crushed and they will do anything to make you interested in hopes they regain their confidence.
-Play an instrument. This means you are good with your hands. AND YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. In case you don't know what it means, it pretty much means that you can give a mean handjob or fingering.
-Read a lot. If you needed the explanation I gave in the last bullet, you will DEFINITELY need to read more than the average person reading this. There is a general rule everyone should know. Intellects are for serious relationships, morons are for sex.
-Flirt with everyone, even those out of your league or age range. The more people you flirt with, the more desirable you look to onlookers. Flirting does not make you slutty, but fooling around does.
-If you don't have a cute voice, GET ONE. I have a cute voice that I use to get fucking everything I ever want. It's amazing what a tone of voice will do for you. Want something, but don't want to pay for it? After the flirting stage initiates, use your cute voice to talk about how much you want that new CD but "can't afford it." And that puppy you've been eying at the shelter? Consider it yours.
-Talk about yourself a lot. Talking about yourself gives a sense of confidence. There's nothing better than confidence to hook 'em. Confidence is sexy and you know it. No one wants a Negative Nancy or a Downer Donna.
-Listen to any obscure genre of music that isn't popular. People love it when you're deep and original. Act like you generally just don't give a fuck whether people like the bands you do or not. Following my example, listen to music that was kind of cool thirty years ago, but no one listens to anymore, so you are trendy, but not TOO trendy.
Now, there are a few things you also SHOULDN'T do or else you will blow all of your chances!
Don't:
-Play "hard to get". This will either lead to rape or fail. No one waits around playing games. If you don't give them what they want, they will just find it elsewhere, so whore it up.
-Act interesting whatsoever. Nowadays, it isn't about interesting personalities. Bland and predictable is totally in.
-Read. Reading is for nerds. No one likes a nerd. Nerds are often connotated as "unsexy". I thought you wanted to be sexy, not a fucking bookworm. You'd better just stick to television.
-Flirt. People hate flirting because it is like a tease. You have to be upfront. Either you want to have sex or you don't. If you don't want to, kiss your chances of being in a relationship goodbye. If you want a relationship, you need intercourse. End of story.
-Try to act cute. If you try too hard, everyone will know it and you will look like an idiot. Even if you are naturally cute, just don't do it for the sake of looking like you're trying too hard.
-Talk about yourself. At all. Everyone hates this. No one cares about you and you look like a pretentious prick. No one will bother with you. What are you, an idiot? Ask them about their day, blabbermouth!
-Listen to music that no one else does because you will have a hard time relating to anyone. People that don't relate don't even talk. Just listen to popular music to avoid awkwardness. Chances are, you will have something to talk about.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I hope this helps! Good luck in your endeavors and attract that perfect mate!
I believe the best way to go about this is making a list of Dos and also a list of Don'ts.
Do:
-Act completely uninterested. This will begin a game of "hard to get," which is perfect for getting the attention you whore for. The other's confidence will be crushed and they will do anything to make you interested in hopes they regain their confidence.
-Play an instrument. This means you are good with your hands. AND YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. In case you don't know what it means, it pretty much means that you can give a mean handjob or fingering.
-Read a lot. If you needed the explanation I gave in the last bullet, you will DEFINITELY need to read more than the average person reading this. There is a general rule everyone should know. Intellects are for serious relationships, morons are for sex.
-Flirt with everyone, even those out of your league or age range. The more people you flirt with, the more desirable you look to onlookers. Flirting does not make you slutty, but fooling around does.
-If you don't have a cute voice, GET ONE. I have a cute voice that I use to get fucking everything I ever want. It's amazing what a tone of voice will do for you. Want something, but don't want to pay for it? After the flirting stage initiates, use your cute voice to talk about how much you want that new CD but "can't afford it." And that puppy you've been eying at the shelter? Consider it yours.
-Talk about yourself a lot. Talking about yourself gives a sense of confidence. There's nothing better than confidence to hook 'em. Confidence is sexy and you know it. No one wants a Negative Nancy or a Downer Donna.
-Listen to any obscure genre of music that isn't popular. People love it when you're deep and original. Act like you generally just don't give a fuck whether people like the bands you do or not. Following my example, listen to music that was kind of cool thirty years ago, but no one listens to anymore, so you are trendy, but not TOO trendy.
Now, there are a few things you also SHOULDN'T do or else you will blow all of your chances!
Don't:
-Play "hard to get". This will either lead to rape or fail. No one waits around playing games. If you don't give them what they want, they will just find it elsewhere, so whore it up.
-Act interesting whatsoever. Nowadays, it isn't about interesting personalities. Bland and predictable is totally in.
-Read. Reading is for nerds. No one likes a nerd. Nerds are often connotated as "unsexy". I thought you wanted to be sexy, not a fucking bookworm. You'd better just stick to television.
-Flirt. People hate flirting because it is like a tease. You have to be upfront. Either you want to have sex or you don't. If you don't want to, kiss your chances of being in a relationship goodbye. If you want a relationship, you need intercourse. End of story.
-Try to act cute. If you try too hard, everyone will know it and you will look like an idiot. Even if you are naturally cute, just don't do it for the sake of looking like you're trying too hard.
-Talk about yourself. At all. Everyone hates this. No one cares about you and you look like a pretentious prick. No one will bother with you. What are you, an idiot? Ask them about their day, blabbermouth!
-Listen to music that no one else does because you will have a hard time relating to anyone. People that don't relate don't even talk. Just listen to popular music to avoid awkwardness. Chances are, you will have something to talk about.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I hope this helps! Good luck in your endeavors and attract that perfect mate!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
People I Wish Were Vampires
Let's not bullshit here. We all know vampires are real. They are the absence of life and the epitome of "cool." Vampires have been awesome since they have existed, which is just as long as man has been on the Earth. Actually, I'm pretty sure recent studies have proven that there were vampiresaurs as well. Those who are blessed with the virus are the luckiest of all.
So, who would make an awesome vampire? There are several individuals who I believe would make awesome undead.
1) Brad Pitt- For obvious reasons. Pitt is already the epitome of cool. The problem is, he is aging, which is completely unacceptable. If I were a vampire, the first person I would turn would be Brad Pitt so that he could make miraculous movies forever and ever. No one would ever slay him because of his amazingly dashing good looks. They would just stop dead in their tracks and realize that Brad Pitt becoming a vampire is the greatest thing to happen to humanity.
2) Leonard/Guy Pearce- Have you seen "Memento?" If you haven't, gtfo. Guy Pearce is the hottest thing since sliced bread in that movie. Men with bleach blond hair are in. Do you know what is better than a gorgeous bleach blond who can act? A gorgeous bleach blond who can act and NEVER DIES. He would make a great vampire.
3) Jason Dean (Christian Slater)- HAVE YOU SEEN "HEATHERS?" HOLY SHIT. CAPS CAPS CAPS. Even though he reminds me of someone who tried to rape me in the woods, he would still make an awesome fucking vampire. If he had fangs and hypnotist psychic vampire powers, he wouldn't need all of the guns he had in that movie. What's better than a vampire? A vampire with a motorcycle, d'uh.
4) Ken Andrews- Even though his music has gone from kick ass grunge to pop rock, he still has the sexiest voice I have ever heard. I want him to live forever so he can sing forever. I can trade him my blood for better Failuresque music. Sounds like a good deal to me!
5) Joss Whedon- He would be the fucking God of vampires. Enough said.
6) Rod Ferrell- Just let his dream come true. Srsly. If he wants to be a vampire and murder his girlfriends parents, I say go for it. As long as you look awesome doing it. I think crowbar murders are pretty badass. Everyone else should too.
7) Andrew O'Connell- Kid is the fucking man. I think instead of seeing him as the "school shooting" type, everyone should see him as a vampire. I'm sure he has enough trench coats in his closet to stop acting like Neo and start acting like William the Bloody.
8) Pauly Shore- Could you think of a better guy you would want to live forever? Neither can I. If he knew he was going to live forever, he could plan out more hilarious movies to make the ultimate comeback. Bio-Dome forever. Lulz forever.
9) Kurt Cobain- Edward Cullen, please resurrect Cobain so he can make more awesome shitty music. We all know he couldn't play guitar for shit. That's why we love him. He didn't do anything I couldn't do. Ultimate role model status. He inspired me to start a shitty grunge band and play nothing but power chords.
10) Myself- YES. I REALLY THINK I WOULD MAKE AN AWESOME VAMPIRE. EDWARD, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, MESSAGE ME SO I CAN GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS. Seriously. I'm already like a vampire. I have a leather jacket and black nail polish and everything. I sparkle in the sunlight. Everyone is afraid of me. The only thing I need now is fucking IMMORTALITY.
I think we should continue discussing who would rule as a vampire. 1... 2... 3... GO!
So, who would make an awesome vampire? There are several individuals who I believe would make awesome undead.
1) Brad Pitt- For obvious reasons. Pitt is already the epitome of cool. The problem is, he is aging, which is completely unacceptable. If I were a vampire, the first person I would turn would be Brad Pitt so that he could make miraculous movies forever and ever. No one would ever slay him because of his amazingly dashing good looks. They would just stop dead in their tracks and realize that Brad Pitt becoming a vampire is the greatest thing to happen to humanity.
2) Leonard/Guy Pearce- Have you seen "Memento?" If you haven't, gtfo. Guy Pearce is the hottest thing since sliced bread in that movie. Men with bleach blond hair are in. Do you know what is better than a gorgeous bleach blond who can act? A gorgeous bleach blond who can act and NEVER DIES. He would make a great vampire.
3) Jason Dean (Christian Slater)- HAVE YOU SEEN "HEATHERS?" HOLY SHIT. CAPS CAPS CAPS. Even though he reminds me of someone who tried to rape me in the woods, he would still make an awesome fucking vampire. If he had fangs and hypnotist psychic vampire powers, he wouldn't need all of the guns he had in that movie. What's better than a vampire? A vampire with a motorcycle, d'uh.
4) Ken Andrews- Even though his music has gone from kick ass grunge to pop rock, he still has the sexiest voice I have ever heard. I want him to live forever so he can sing forever. I can trade him my blood for better Failuresque music. Sounds like a good deal to me!
5) Joss Whedon- He would be the fucking God of vampires. Enough said.
6) Rod Ferrell- Just let his dream come true. Srsly. If he wants to be a vampire and murder his girlfriends parents, I say go for it. As long as you look awesome doing it. I think crowbar murders are pretty badass. Everyone else should too.
7) Andrew O'Connell- Kid is the fucking man. I think instead of seeing him as the "school shooting" type, everyone should see him as a vampire. I'm sure he has enough trench coats in his closet to stop acting like Neo and start acting like William the Bloody.
8) Pauly Shore- Could you think of a better guy you would want to live forever? Neither can I. If he knew he was going to live forever, he could plan out more hilarious movies to make the ultimate comeback. Bio-Dome forever. Lulz forever.
9) Kurt Cobain- Edward Cullen, please resurrect Cobain so he can make more awesome shitty music. We all know he couldn't play guitar for shit. That's why we love him. He didn't do anything I couldn't do. Ultimate role model status. He inspired me to start a shitty grunge band and play nothing but power chords.
10) Myself- YES. I REALLY THINK I WOULD MAKE AN AWESOME VAMPIRE. EDWARD, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, MESSAGE ME SO I CAN GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS. Seriously. I'm already like a vampire. I have a leather jacket and black nail polish and everything. I sparkle in the sunlight. Everyone is afraid of me. The only thing I need now is fucking IMMORTALITY.
I think we should continue discussing who would rule as a vampire. 1... 2... 3... GO!
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