Let's not bullshit here. We all know vampires are real. They are the absence of life and the epitome of "cool." Vampires have been awesome since they have existed, which is just as long as man has been on the Earth. Actually, I'm pretty sure recent studies have proven that there were vampiresaurs as well. Those who are blessed with the virus are the luckiest of all.
So, who would make an awesome vampire? There are several individuals who I believe would make awesome undead.
1) Brad Pitt- For obvious reasons. Pitt is already the epitome of cool. The problem is, he is aging, which is completely unacceptable. If I were a vampire, the first person I would turn would be Brad Pitt so that he could make miraculous movies forever and ever. No one would ever slay him because of his amazingly dashing good looks. They would just stop dead in their tracks and realize that Brad Pitt becoming a vampire is the greatest thing to happen to humanity.
2) Leonard/Guy Pearce- Have you seen "Memento?" If you haven't, gtfo. Guy Pearce is the hottest thing since sliced bread in that movie. Men with bleach blond hair are in. Do you know what is better than a gorgeous bleach blond who can act? A gorgeous bleach blond who can act and NEVER DIES. He would make a great vampire.
3) Jason Dean (Christian Slater)- HAVE YOU SEEN "HEATHERS?" HOLY SHIT. CAPS CAPS CAPS. Even though he reminds me of someone who tried to rape me in the woods, he would still make an awesome fucking vampire. If he had fangs and hypnotist psychic vampire powers, he wouldn't need all of the guns he had in that movie. What's better than a vampire? A vampire with a motorcycle, d'uh.
4) Ken Andrews- Even though his music has gone from kick ass grunge to pop rock, he still has the sexiest voice I have ever heard. I want him to live forever so he can sing forever. I can trade him my blood for better Failuresque music. Sounds like a good deal to me!
5) Joss Whedon- He would be the fucking God of vampires. Enough said.
6) Rod Ferrell- Just let his dream come true. Srsly. If he wants to be a vampire and murder his girlfriends parents, I say go for it. As long as you look awesome doing it. I think crowbar murders are pretty badass. Everyone else should too.
7) Andrew O'Connell- Kid is the fucking man. I think instead of seeing him as the "school shooting" type, everyone should see him as a vampire. I'm sure he has enough trench coats in his closet to stop acting like Neo and start acting like William the Bloody.
8) Pauly Shore- Could you think of a better guy you would want to live forever? Neither can I. If he knew he was going to live forever, he could plan out more hilarious movies to make the ultimate comeback. Bio-Dome forever. Lulz forever.
9) Kurt Cobain- Edward Cullen, please resurrect Cobain so he can make more awesome shitty music. We all know he couldn't play guitar for shit. That's why we love him. He didn't do anything I couldn't do. Ultimate role model status. He inspired me to start a shitty grunge band and play nothing but power chords.
10) Myself- YES. I REALLY THINK I WOULD MAKE AN AWESOME VAMPIRE. EDWARD, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, MESSAGE ME SO I CAN GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS. Seriously. I'm already like a vampire. I have a leather jacket and black nail polish and everything. I sparkle in the sunlight. Everyone is afraid of me. The only thing I need now is fucking IMMORTALITY.
I think we should continue discussing who would rule as a vampire. 1... 2... 3... GO!
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I want to be a vampire. Vampires make the best scientists. Bill Nye is a vampire.
ReplyDeletePaul Giamatti, just for the look of disappointment when people realize that vampires look like Paul Giamatti. Also, American Splendor rules.
ReplyDeleteWasn't Paul Giamatti that guy in "Big Fat Liar?"
ReplyDeleteNo offense, but I hope that ugly shit dies.
You wish you could be on Paul Giamatti's dick.
ReplyDeletePaul Giamatti was in the remake of Planet of the Apes which was directed by Tim Burton, a known vampire. I would be surprised if Tim didn't turn him just like he did for Johnny Depp.
ReplyDeleteI would vampirize myself first v_v
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ReplyDeleteI met a vampire once. His name was Winston. He took me by the hand and led me down to a beautiful stream in the woods. I asked him to take me right there. He told me he wanted to take his time, because that is what I deserved. Patience and attention. Unfortunately, he took too much time and he was burned up by the sun in the morning.
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